Acnologia is Not Your Father
by Evilkitten3
Summary: As the highest-ranking member of the council that wasn't blown up by Jackal, Doranbolt, in an effort to at least try to control the mages of Fiore, creates a list of rules, updated every day, to be sent to each guild. Even if it didn't work, things couldn't possibly get any crazier. Right? WARNING: Spoilers. Post-Tartarus arc.
1. Rules for Mages

Rules for Mages

**Summary**: As the highest-ranking member of the council that wasn't blown up by Jackal, Doranbolt, in an effort to at least _try_ to control the mages of Fiore, creates a list of rules, updated every day, to be sent to each guild. Even if it didn't work, things couldn't possibly get any crazier. Right?

**All Members of Crime Sorcière** – All of you are criminals. Turn yourselves in. Now.

**All Members of the Royal Army of Fiore** – If you see a member of Crime Sorcière, don't bother trying to arrest them. Either they'll turn themselves in willingly, or not at all. Each and every one of them is an S-Class wizard, and each and every one of them has some connection to Fairy Tail. Honestly, apprehending eight criminals is not worth the collateral damage that Fairy Tail will create to get them back.

**Erza Scarlet** – Stop sending us pictures of little blue haired chibis with red tattoos saying, "Guess who saved all your asses". Yes, he did save 'all our asses'. He's still a criminal, no matter how many 'asses' he saves.

**Jellal Fernandes** – Sending everybody heartfelt apologies does not make up for eight years of political terrorism and attempted genocide. Not everybody in Fiore needs to know that you're sorry. You could have made a public announcement. And, no matter what Scarlet says, saving every thing that could possibly be saved does not make up for your actions.

**Mirajane Strauss** – Thou shalt have to suffer a witch to live, or thou shalt be arrested for murder. Capisce?

**Kagua Mikazuchi** – We don't care where, how, or why you have that, but you are to put it away _now_. No amount of tanks is going to help you get revenge on– who is it this time? Either way, if you're still after Jellal, tanks won't work. You need an amount of firepower that the gods themselves don't have.

**Chelia Blendy** – Stop stalking Lyon Vastia.

**Lyon Vastia** – Stop stalking Juvia Lockser.

**Juvia Lockser** – Stop stalking Gray Fullbuster.

**Sherry Blendy** – Stop making out with your fiancée in public.

**Ren Akatsuki** – Stop making out with your fiancée in public.

**Gray Fullbuster** – You are not permitted to handcuff yourself to that old lady and demand we pardon her. She is not Ultear Milkovich. She looks nothing _like_ Ultear Milkovich. If she, somehow, _is_ Ultear Milkovich, she's a wanted criminal, and she won't be pardoned. Now let her go; you're making Lockser jealous.

**Ōba Babasāma** – No more dancing. Ever.

**Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki** – Stop stalking Scarlet. She has a boyfriend, even if they both deny it, and he is an extremely dangerous wanted criminal. So cut it out.

**Rufus Lore** – Your letter of thanks to Fullbuster for returning your hat was appreciated, but he would like to request that, should you ever choose to send him a letter again, you not write about your dirty escapades while wearing said hat in the margin. Seriously, he's been in the showers for six days, and he still hasn't unchained himself from that poor old lady. We're just lucky he spends most of his time naked, or we'd have a lot of mental scarring.

**Levy McGarden** – You were not just 'giving him air'. You were making out with him, and everyone knows it. –No, I don't care that 'now it's made of steel'. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, and shouldn't happen anywhere else.

**Gajeel Redfox** – She was not just 'giving you air'. She was making out with you, and everyone knows it. –No, I don't care that now 'it can turn into shadows'. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, and shouldn't happen anywhere else.

**Lucy Heartfilia** – Acnologia is not your father.

**Flare Corona** – Atlas Flame is not your father.

**Meredy** – As the only member of Crime Sorcière to not be batshit insane, we ask that you act as a role model for your guild mates. Please stop trying to convince them that Natsu Dragneel is Zeref's evil twin. We're pretty sure that, if Zeref had a twin, he'd be the evil one. I don't care that he's 'uber kawaii'. Natsu is eighteen (or possibly twenty-five). He is not four hundred, regardless of what he seems to believe. This also applies to Gajeel Redfox. Leave them alone.

**Macbeth** – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Midnight's head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise.

**Sorano Aguria** – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Angel's head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise.

**Sawyer** – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Racer's head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise.

**Richard Buchanan** – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Hoteye's head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise.

**Erik** – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Cobra's head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise.

**Kinana** – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Cubellios' head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise. We don't care that you were a snake. You still committed crimes.

**Happy** – You are not permitted to resurrect Silver and Mika Fullbuster.

**Carla** – You are not permitted to resurrect Silver and Mika Fullbuster.

**Pantherlily** – You are not permitted to resurrect Silver and Mika Fullbuster.

**Lector** – You are not permitted to resurrect Weisslogia. Stop hanging around those Fairy Tail cats, they're giving you ideas.

**Frosch** – We don't care what that fanfic said. Jellal Fernandes is not your 'Frog Prince', and you are not going to wake up from one hundred years of sleep if he kisses you. Get your fairytales straight. That said, keep on stalking him, and sooner or later he might come back to prison.

**Rogue Cheney** – It is your duty to ensure that your cat knows the difference between reality and fantasy. We aren't going to save him/her the next time he/she calls Fullbuster or Vastia 'Elsa'. By the way, is your cat a guy or girl? No one knows…

**Sting Eucliffe** – The fact that you got fangirls the instant you showed up just for having blond hair, a dark past, and a tendency to show off your midriff does not mean that you can call yourself 'Marik', 'White Marik', or 'Spike'. You are not any of these people, be they an Egyptian sociopath, an Egyptian psychopath, a little green and purple dragon, or a vampire.

**Wendy Marvell** – You are _probably_ not Jellal Fernandes' little sister. We will admit that there is a rather striking resemblance, but, unless you have solid proof, you should not be telling people that your big brother was a terrorist. We don't think he was raised by a dragon, but he has yet to tell us otherwise, so…

**Bickslow** – Stop playing Simple Plan's _Perfect_ every time Laxus Dreyar walks into the room. It is not his theme song, and he was perfectly justified in kicking you through the wall.

**Freed Justine** – Stop playing Justin Timberlake's _Sexy Back_ every time Laxus Dreyar walks into the room. It is not his theme song, and he was perfectly justified in kicking you through the wall.

**Evergreen** – Stop playing the Pokémon theme song every time Laxus Dreyar walks into the room. It is not his theme song, and the only reason he didn't kick you through the wall is because Mirajane was right there.

**Elfman Strauss** – Tutu. Off. Now. I don't care how manly your little sister said it was, she was _lying_. Stop traumatizing children.

**Lisanna Strauss** – Stop telling your brother that tutus are manly. He believes you, and you are going to be billed for damages if it continues.

**Jenny Realight** – Stop encouraging Lisanna Strauss. You aren't shaming Mira, you're just making her laugh harder.

**Hibiki Lates** – Stop encouraging your girlfriend. You should know better.

**Eve Tearm** – Stop spreading rumors about other people's love lives. No one is ever going to believe that Jenny Realight and Mirajane Strauss are going to have hot lesbian sex.

**Loke** – Stop believing that Jenny Realight and Mirajane Strauss are going to have hot lesbian sex. It won't happen. Ever.

**Jet** – Say it with me: "There is no valid reason to be watching Gajeel Redfox and Levy McGarden when they are having their alone time".

**Droy** – Say it with me: "There is no valid reason to be watching Gajeel Refox and Levy McGarden when they are having their alone time".

**Araña Webb** – You do not have a pink-haired evil twin, and, if you did, his name would not be Shima Renzō.

**Mavis Vermillion** – The fact that we cannot see you does not mean we are unaware of your presence. Stop hanging up posters proclaiming that Fairy Tail is awesome and that you won the Grand Magic Games. That was almost a year ago, anyway.

**Toby Horhorta** – There _is_ a spoon, and there _is_ a cake. Stop eating with your fingers.

**Mystogan/Jellal** – Go home. We don't need more than one of you running around, and it's confusing the bounty hunters. You are a king of your own world, not ours, so stop pardoning criminals. You have no authority here. According to official documents, you don't exist. So can it.

**Erza Knightwalker** – Stop trying to get Mystogan and Fernandes to have hot gay sex. Not only is that disturbing on many levels, both are straight. Probably. This does not mean you should advocate for a foursome between the two of them, yourself, and Scarlet. Scarlet is seven years younger than the lot of you anyway. Go home.

**Millianna** – As much as we encourage anything that brings him harm, your reunion with Jellal Fernandes should not have consisted of you smacking him across the face, breaking down and sobbing into his shoulder for an hour, and then smacking him again. Also, we must question your sanity if your only reason for forgiving him for lying to you for eight years straight was his agreeing to dress up as a catboy for a day. He probably would have just bought you a kitten, had you asked, and no one should be able to walk around with cat ears, a cat tail, kitty face paint, and a completely serious look on his face. Seriously, it's creepy.

**Romeo Conbolt** – You are not a pretty princess. Stop listening to Marvell.

**Macao Conbolt** – You are not a pretty princess. Stop listening to Marvell.

**Wakaba Mine** – You are not a pretty princess. Stop listening to Marvell.

**Risley Law** – Stop trying to convince people that you're actually a pair of sisters by switching between forms when no one's looking. We aren't buying it.

**Yukino Aguria** – We are happy that you've been reunited with your sister, but, as she is a wanted criminal, we regret to inform you that you cannot continue to work under the people trying to catch her. We'd thank you for your service, but you already left the instant the guild that humiliated you and kicked you out asked you if you wanted back in, and said they were sorry. They probably were, but still.

**Beth Vanderwood** – Stop trying to convince people that Lisanna Strauss and Yukino Aguria are the same person and/or twins. They may look similar, but their respective older sisters insist that this is simply a coincidence. If you wish to take it up with them, be my guest, but we would like to remind you that their sisters are, respectively, an S-Class mage capable of stealing your soul, and a wanted criminal capable of– well, we're not quite sure what her magic does exactly, but we would recommend that you not find out the hard way.

**Bacchus Groh** – Yes, Gildarts kicked your ass. You _tore his daughter's bra off_, in public. Nobody has any sympathy for you, although Alberona doesn't seem to mind nearly as much as she should.

**Gildarts Clive** – While your motives were understandable, you nearly killed a man, who, granted, kind of had it coming. Either way, control yourself. _Please_, for the _love of God_, control yourself.

**Cana Alberona** – No proposing sex to anyone who looks at your chest. If you don't wear a shirt, people will stare. You have no right to criticize Fullbuster when you're as bad as he is.

**Yuka Suzuki** – Your eyebrows are ridiculous and everyone knows it. Stop attacking people who make fun of you– if you don't want to be taunted, trim them.

**Laxus Dreyar** – 'Genetics' is not an excuse for your actions. The fact that your father is a destructive megalomaniac and your grandfather is an even more destructive 'senile old fart', as you so crudely put it, does not mean that you are within your right to, and I quote, "Blow up all the shit, fuck all the bitches, and kick everybody's asses". Also, please watch your language. There are _children_ here. Unless, of course, you want the task of explaining the birds and the bees to Wendy Marvell, Romeo Conbolt, Chelia Blendy, Asuka Connell, and Mavis Vermillion.

**Acnologia** – Stop trying to convince Heartfilia that you are her father. She has enough daddy issues as it is without your help.

**Aquarius** – I realize that we have no real authority over you, but for everyone's sake, _please_ stop trying to convince people that you are alcohol. They _will_ try to drink you. You may be a Spirit, but you are not _that_ kind of spirit. Heartfilia is getting tired of having to explain to people why she can't close your Gate.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Cat peed on math book. Swallowing rage… Also, I was surprised to see that this thing already had, like, two follows, a favorite, and a review. I mean, I posted it 6 hours ago (and then spent the next hour obsessively reposting it because TYPOS!). So far, all the reviews (read: one review) say that Laxus' was the best. I liked that one too, but I think my favorites were Loke, Millianna, and Mirajane. Anyhow, next chapter (be thankful that my cat didn't pee on this too -.-').**

**Anybody From Edolas** – Go home.

**All Members of the Raijinsh**_**ū**_ – Camping out in the basement to make sure Laxus Dreyar isn't alone while he cowers in terror from the wrath of an angry mother is a good gesture of friendship, though it is against guild rules. Roasting smores is frowned upon. Dance parties are out of the question.

**Wendy Marvell** – Take off the mask, and give Mikazuchi her katana back. You aren't Deadpool. The next time you feel the need to 'borrow' someone's weapons, 'borrow' from someone who won't notice/care.

**Romeo Conbolt** – We don't know what an 'OTP' is, but stop drawing pictures of Wendy Marvell and Chelia Blendy in compromising positions. Yes, even if they _did_ agree to model for you.

**Minerva Orlando** – You are not allowed to join Crime Sorcière, even if you are trying to repent. They have enough crazy people, and we doubt that Fernandes will want to accept the woman who tortured his (former) friend, attacked his girlfriend while she was a child, and nearly killed his other (former) friend's little sister. He will certainly understand your desire to change your ways, but he will most likely ask that you do so in a way other than this one.

**Chelia Blendy** – The next time you question something in our world that makes no sense, we will not be pulling you out of the plot hole. Er, pothole. Yeah. That's what we meant.

**Flare Corona** – It is appropriate to send letters to your loved ones. These letters should not, however, be read out loud, in public, at the top of your voice, and they most certainly shouldn't say anything like, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me. So throw me down and tie me up and show me that you like me". Heartfilia still hasn't stopped blushing.

**Lucy Heartfilia** – The proper response to the question "what do you like most about Fairy Tail" is not "I get all the bitches". Even if you do 'get all the bitches', we didn't need to know that. You're only encouraging Corona.

**Loke** – Stop trying to get Heartfilia, Corona, and Alberona to have a threesome. It won't happen, and, if it did, it wouldn't happen in front of you.

**Yuka Suzuki** – You are not permitted to wear green spandex and orange legwarmers. You are disturbing everyone.

**Toby Horhorta** – Why are you going on about 'youth' like that? You're, what, twenty-four? You're plenty 'youthful'. So stop.

**Asuka Connell** – No, I don't know what the fox says, but I'm fairly certain it doesn't say anything like _that_. Stop hanging around Laxus Dreyar.

**Alzack Connell** – Keep your daughter away from the rest of your guild. They're a terrible influence on her.

**Bisca Connell** – Washing your daughter's mouth out with soap for what she said is perfectly fine. Doing the same to Laxus for teaching her to say it is ill advised. We aren't sure how you managed it, but he's currently hiding in the guild's basement, and he refuses to come out.

**Laxus Dreyar** – Come out of there. Makarov says you aren't allowed to be down there until you're guild master, and, if you're hiding from a little girl, that won't happen anytime soon.

**Erza Scarlet** – Sneaking Wendy Marvell, Chelia Blendy, and Asuka Connell down to the basement to terrify Laxus was just cruel – funny, but cruel.

**Gray Fullbuster** – That old lady is still not Ultear Milkovich. Come out of the shower now. We are 43% sure that Lore was lying.

**Jura Neekis** – Stop meeting up with Fernandes and chatting about being a member of the Ten Wizard Saints. He is a criminal, and he wasn't actually a member at all – it was his thought projection. And no, that should not be considered impressive.

**Sting Eucliffe** – Take off those sunglasses, and stop throwing vending machines at people. You are a Dragon Slayer, not a debt collector.

**Rogue Cheney** – Take off that jacket, and stop tricking people into almost killing themselves. You are a Dragon Slayer, not an informant.

**Yukino Aguria** – Thank you for saving those poor people from your guild mates. We appreciate it, but please take off that helmet, and stop riding that motorcycle. You are a Celestial Spirit Mage, not a Dullahan.

**Lisanna Strauss** – Stop selling people tickets to Edolas. The Anima should stay closed, regardless of how badly you miss your alternate universe friends.

**Jellal Fernandes** – Stop doing good things. You're making it increasingly more difficult to hate you. Bounty hunters are looking for a nut that goes around kicking puppies and eating babies, not rescuing kittens and finding them good homes. We don't care that you're 'trying to be a good guy now'. Your actions are disgustingly adorable. And take off that cat costume; Millianna said 'for a _day_'.

**Millianna** – What do you mean 'it's permanent'? You can't just turn people into catboys whenever you feel like it. We don't care that 'now Jellal is feelin' spiffy'! That doesn't even make any sense!

**Freed Justine** – Get out of the basement.

**Bickslow** – Get out of the basement.

**Evergreen** – Get out of the basement (and stop dragging Elfman Strauss with you when you go; you're giving Mirajane _ideas_).

**Orga Nanagear** – Please, please, _please_ control your guild. We really don't want Yukino to think she needs to cut off her head. You are one of the few sane members they have – and stop throwing 'singing parties' with Redfox and Mirajane!

**Makarov Dreyar** – Your grandson is your responsibility. You should not require armed guards to remove him from the basement.

**Levy McGarden** – Sending your boyfriend on murderous rampages is not acceptable in any way. Stop making lists of people who have wronged you and loudly proclaiming that you find them sexy.

**Gajeel Redfox** – McGarden is _lying_. This is a terrible way to try to move past your former reputation as a member of Phantom Lord.

**Porlyusica** – Please, please, _please_ find a way to change Fernandes back. We can't arrest him when he's that adorable, and the whole guild is milking it.

**Rufus Lore** – We are not persecuting you for being "gay", "bisexual", or "a shameless man whore". We are not persecuting you at all.

**Sorano Aguria** – Stop mocking me. I use "we" as a pronoun because it sounds more professional. I am _not_ lonely. Now please stop hugging me. Your breasts are starting to leave indents on my back, and people are staring. Seriously. _Off_.

**Natsu Dragneel** – Stop looking up lesser-used obscene words and publicly asking Scarlet to define them for you. She can and _will_. On the bright side, we now know how to embarrass Fernandes.

**Elfman Strauss** – No one believes that you and Evergreen are not together. We have seen you making out. Publicly. If you're that determined to hide your relationship, stop getting it on in the middle of the street.

**Juvia Lockser** – We don't know who that girl is, but if she's encouraging your fantasies of Fullbuster and Vastia, she's up to no good. What do you mean she 'ships Eucliffe and Cheney'? What does that mean? Did she give them those clothes?

**Lyon Vastia** – Put. Your. Pants. On. This is getting ridiculous.

**Macbeth** – Stop pretending to plot to kill the king. You are a criminal, people believe you, and no one gets the joke anyway. And drop that Scottish accent!

**Sawyer** – Sawyer is your first name, not your last. Stop telling people to call you 'Tom'. It's not funny.

**Macao Conbolt** – Has anyone seen Macao?

**Wakaba Mine** – Stop blowing smoke in people's faces.

**Ōba Babasāma** – Vastia should not be your role model. Put your pants back on.

**Mystogan** – Stop hugging the other you. You're confusing people. Also, go home.

**Erza Knightwalker** – When someone tells you to cut off their arm after you ask if they require assistance, they are being sarcastic. They do not _actually_ want their limbs removed. Also, go home.

**Erik** – Stop addressing Mystogan as 'King Jellal', 'Jellal Sans Angst', and 'All-Mighty Jellal-sama'. You are confusing people and making your guild master jealous.

**Mary Hughes** – Stop making out with yourself. It's creepy.

**Hughes** – Stop making out with yourself. It's creepy. Also, go home.

**Lucy Ashley** – Stop taking your top off and molesting Heartfilia in public. This does not mean you should do this in private, but at least don't do it in the open. 'Selfcest' is a bad thing. Also, go home.

**Natsu Drapion** – You are not a Pokémon. Also, go home.

**Gray Surge** – Stop trying to clothe your other self. You're giving Lockser ideas. Also, go home.

**Meredy** – While we're sure the chocolates were appreciated, we don't think that Vastia really needed to know that you think he's "smexy as hell". It's nice of you to try and ensure that Lockser ends up with the boy she likes, but there is no need for you to attempt to draw off the competition.

**Coco** – The Church of Zenotopia is not, has never been, and never will be, the 'Church of Happyology', regardless of what Heartfilia tells you.

**Pantherlily** – Stop trying to tell people that we're all fictional characters. We aren't, and you are causing mass hysteria.

**Lucky** – Stop encouraging your son.

**Marl** – Stop encouraging your son.

**Happy** – "Because I'm a cat" is neither the truthful nor appropriate response when you are asked why you can fly. We don't want people throwing their cats out the window. You're giving Fernandes more opportunities to do nice things, and it's getting weird. His cuteness is starting to give people diabetes.

**Cana Alberona** – Eye patches do not "automatically equal awesome". Take those poor men you abducted home. The guy with the bells keeps attacking people, the guy in the long coat is using the Force, and Harris– well, he himself probably isn't _too_ dangerous, but we don't need an army of teenage girls with super strength showing up to rescue him. Also, he keeps squealing every time he sees that Jedi guy.

**Shō** – Sharpies are not "the way of the future" Stop doodling on everything.

**Wally Buchanan** – 'Blockhead' is not a compliment.

**Richard Buchanan** – You are not a doorbell. Trust us on that.

**Hibiki Lates** – There _is_ a difference between stalactites and stalagmites, and it _is_ impressive that you know which is which. Now shut up.

**Eve Tearm** – Yes, you are adorable. Yes, girls glomp you. No, you cannot change this, and it will continue for the rest of your life. Becoming a Dark Mage will make this _worse_, not better. Girls think that 'evil is sexy'. Being evil will just get you more poorly timed hugs.

**Ren Akatsuki** – Your fiancée is a wonderful woman, but she has her flaws. Despite what she would have you believe, crossdressing will not improve your 'badassness' factor. It will make you look silly.

**Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki** – Yes, Scarlet's counterpart from Edolas is here. Stalking _her_ is an even worse idea than stalking Scarlet herself, as Knightwalker is much more volatile, and _her_ boyfriend – quite literally – has an army. 'Parfum' will not protect you.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Ah, my morale is kind of low now… I just read 'The Fiore Laws', and it was really good (better than this, actually). You guys should probably read that instead. I'll keep writing, though, but I don't think this one will go on for as long as 'Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies' (which is the funniest Bleach fic of all time), because I don't have many ideas. I don't want to rip off anybody, but I don't want to get too boring. Feel free to send in suggestions, if you like, but I can't promise too many updates. Sorry. Thanks for reading this, though, you guys rock. 3**

**All Members of Fairy Tail** – Seeing as Crime Sorciére is all but a team of your guild, we are making you responsible for them. Scarlet, control your boyfriend. Lockser, you're in charge of Meredy. Kinana, you have responsibility for Erik. Fullbuster, should she return, you will be keeping an eye on Milkovich. Jet, try not to get into too many competitions with Sawyer – it will just end in tears. Heartfilia, make sure Sorano and Loke don't kill each other. Chickentiger, feel free to smack Macbeth should it be necessary – he can't deflect your attacks. Neekis, you, as an honorary member of Fairy Tail, will be expected to ensure that Richard does not 'return to the Dark Side'.

**All Members of Crime Sorciére** – Fernandes is not the blue Power Ranger. Meredy is not the pink Power Ranger. Macbeth is not the black Power Ranger. Sawyer is not the yellow Power Ranger. Kinana, Erik, Sorano, and Richard are not, respectively, the purple, red, white, and orange Power Rangers. _None_ of you are Power Rangers, and Milkovich is not Captain Planet. There are no purple, white, and orange Power Rangers, and Captain Planet is completely unrelated to them. Stop holding up your cloaks and yelling out the names of prehistoric creatures.

**Kinana** – You are not a part of Crime Sorciére. Should they ask you to join in their antics, the proper response is to tell a responsible authority figure _immediately_, not help sew their Power Rangers outfits. Makarov Dreyar is not a responsible authority figure. _No one in your guild_ is a responsible authority figure.

**Lyon Vastia** – The proper response to meeting the dark-skinned man with the eye patch and purple light-sword-thingy was not to create a religious cult centered on him. He may have appreciated the sentiment, but seeing you dressed as a preacher saying, "And the Lord said, 'Dost thou speaketh English, motherfucker'," was disturbing for everyone. Tell all followers of your church to go home.

**Chelia Blendy** – We are not 'suppressing your religious freedom'. We are simply trying to ensure that people stay in their own universes. As impressive as he is, we cannot elevate Mr. Jackson to deity status without permission from the king and at least three miracles to prove that he is a deity.

**Sorano Aguria** – While I am glad that you have released me, we ask that you also release Mr. Harris. He needs to go home, and, honestly, his relationships never end well. He does not have 'a thing for keys', and his girlfriend asks that you not make such tasteless jokes in her presence. We ask that you not irritate the human incarnation of a powerful thousand-year-old ball of green light, as she happens to have the protection of the strongest women in the world, a witch capable of destroying _literally everything_, multiple creatures of unknown origin, and a _goddamn God King_. If you get our world destroyed, there will be _consequences_.

**Yukino Aguria** – While your loyalty to your sister is, quite frankly, something to be admired, we ask that you not show this loyalty by abducting various men and women, tying them up, and depositing them on her bed. If she's that into bondage, she should ask Heartfilia to borrow Virgo.

**Laki Olietta** – We don't know what use you could possibly have for a toaster that doubles as a thumbscrew, a pitchfork-shaped vibrator, and eighty-seven test tubes, and we don't want to know. Dispose of all of them immediately, and no questions will be asked as to what you do in your spare time.

**Gajeel Redfox** – Your girlfriend is _still_ lying. You are not 'the goddamn Batman'.

**Levy McGarden** – Stop telling your boyfriend stupid things. He's dumb enough to believe almost everything you say, though I don't think he quite believes that he 'doomed all of Westeros'. I never thought I'd say this, but put down the books and go play a video game.

**Juvia Lockser** – While it's nice that you've made a friend, it's less nice that that friend is a sociopathic nutjob who enjoys torturing people. Send Miss Karisawa back to her own world, please.

**Loke** – Heartfilia does not want to know what you and Fullbuster did with five barrels of glitter, three ducks, ninety-four yards of tinfoil, and a can of beans. We, on the other hand, would like to know why Princess Hisui seems convinced that she is being stalked by 'winged farting vampires'.

**Gray Fullbuster** – Heartfilia does not want to know what you and Loke did with five barrels of glitter, three ducks, ninety-four yards of tinfoil, and a can of beans. We, on the other hand, would like to know why Princess Hisui seems convinced that she is being stalked by 'winged farting vampires'.

**Ren Akatsuki** – There is no competition for 'who can be the most tsundere', and if there was, we'd cancel it. Stop telling your fiancée, "It's not like I like you or anything". You are marrying the woman. We all know you like her.

**Rufus Lore** – Should you and Webb ever decide to get drunk again, we ask that you not begin a karaoke contest if you only intend to sing dirty songs.

**Araña Webb** – Should you and Lore ever decide to get drunk again, we ask that you not begin a karaoke contest if you only intend to sing dirty songs.

**Macao Conbolt** – Seriously, where are you?

**Gildarts Clive** – Not every town is built as… _uniquely_ as Magnolia. Learn how to use a door.

**Mickey Chickentiger** – The fact that we are having you watch Macbeth in no way means we believe you to be a responsible adult. He is not your bitch, even if you have managed to convince him otherwise. You may not tell him to 'get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich'. All we are giving you permission to do is make sure he doesn't murder anybody.

**Kagura Mikazuchi** – Stop blaming everything on Eucliffe. Despite rumors to the contrary, he is not at fault for everything. He is not the reason for 'every bad thing ever'. You've never even spoken to him.

**Minerva Orlando** – Stop loudly wondering whether dragon genes would be more dominant than demon genes around Eucliffe. He's already gone to the hospital from blood loss once; he doesn't need to go again. If you want to know so badly, ask Porlyusica to do a genetics test or something. Stop molesting your guild mates.

**Richard Buchanan** – You are not going to rock _anybody_ like a hurricane.

**Jura Neekis** – Stop being impressed by criminals.

**José Porla** – You are at fault for your own actions. Stop trying to blame everything on Lockser and Redfox, unless you want to face the wrath of the entire guild. Again.

**Hibiki Lates** – You do not need a harem.

**Jenny Realight** – You do not need a harem.

**Millianna** – Leave those cats alone. You're making Mikazuchi jealous. And change Fernandes back, dammit!

**Natsu Dragneel** – Heartfilia is aware that you stole her underwear and are currently wearing them on your head. She is coming for you, and no one will feel sorry for you when she finds you.

**Lucy Heartfilia** – Why does everyone seem to be obsessed with you?

**Meredy** – You do not need to start a war against the 'mystery of male nipples'.

**Wakaba Mine** – You are not allowed to huff and puff and blow _anyone's_ house down. You shouldn't need us to tell you this.

**Bisca Connell** – Murder is bad. Murder is illegal. Murder is wrong. Murder is not how you should respond to minor offenses. Laxus was drunk. He has offered to do anything – literally anything – to get you to forgive him.

**Lisanna Strauss** – So you joined Vastia's cult. Fine. Whatever. Stop trying to convince people that Mr. Jackson is the one true God, and that snakes are the servants of the devil. Kinana and Kurohebi are being attacked every five minutes.

**Erza Knightwalker** – If 'Faust' is your king's surname, then why does everyone call his father 'Faust'? Does he have a first name, or are you just messing with me? Also, go home.

**Sherry Blendy** – Halloween decorations should not be made out of the skin of your enemies. You have been spending _way_ too much time with other people. Go be a recluse; it's safer for everyone.

**Sting Eucliffe** – Mikazuchi and Orlando are _insane_. Don't listen to whatever they're saying. Not everything is your fault, so don't develop a Jellal Complex. You do not have dragon DNA, so don't worry about having half-dragon, half-demon, half-human babies. That's not even possible.

**Carla** – The fact that you were not included in last week's rules is a good thing. It is not cause for you to grab the largest knives you can find (and carry) cover yourself in red paint, and float around declaring death to all who so much as look at you funny. These rules are to keep people in order, not convince them to act even more insane than they already do.

**Makarov Dreyar** – Stop encouraging the members of your guild to join the Cult of Jackson. It's not a thing.

**Hisui E. Fiore** – You are not being stalked by 'winged farting vampires'. Loke and Fullbuster are just messing with you. No one will judge you for whatever vengeance you choose to exact, so long as it is legal and not mentally scarring.

**Jellal Faust** – Tame your ego. No one is going to refer to you as 'The Great and Mighty Jellal-sama, Slayer of the Demon King Dragneel' except for Dragneel himself, and that's because he's too dense to figure out that he's not dead. Also, go home.

**Lucy Ashley** – No, you cannot join the Cult of Jackson. There is no Cult of Jackson. If there were, you would not be allowed to join. Go home. You can start a cult there, if you like. We won't stop you.

**Natsu Dragion** – Crossing out the 'g' and replacing it with a 'p' in last week's rules was not funny. You are still not a Pokémon. Also, go home.

**Zeref** – Please stop giving people balloons. Nobody really knows what to do about it, but you should probably stop. Those balloons are probably filled with evil.

**Asuka Connell** – Zeref is an extremely dangerous Dark Mage. He is not your pony, even though he genuinely seems to appreciate your company and even though you seem completely unaffected by his random bursts of Death Magic. Yes, he probably needs company, and you, as someone he can't accidently kill, are a good candidate, but you should not be consorting with a mass murderer.

**Evergreen** – Vermillion is not a fairy. Stop stalking her.

**Yuka Suzuki **– There is no 'Spaghetti God'. Stop trying to one-up Vastia.

**Jellal Fernandes** – The fact that Faust is Makarov's Edolas counterpart in no way makes you related to either of them. You are not Makarov's son, Ivan's brother, or Laxus's uncle. If you were, you'd either have blond or black hair. Calm down.

**Macbeth** – Congratulations on your engagement. Do not let Chickentiger persuade you into murdering our king (or anybody else). Also, don't take her last name. That would just be… No. Just– just no.

**Alzack Connell** – The fact that a man who is (kind of) in your guild managed to propose to a girl in no way makes you less of a man than he is. Seriously, have you seen the guy? It's not surprising that he's getting married, it's surprising that he's getting married _to a woman_.

**Sayla** – I'm… very glad you've made a new friend. Perhaps bonding over literature with McGarden will keep you from attempting to murder her guild mates. Again.

**Orga Nanagear** – Stop randomly ambushing Laxus and demanding to fight him. Not all of us are as resistant to lightning as you are, and he gets static-y when he's caught off guard. Ignore Mirajane, static isn't a good thing.

**Mirajane Strauss** – Stop stealing Realight's underwear while she's wearing them.

**Cana Alberona** – Convincing Levy that she would be sexier if she were evil was a horrible, horrible idea. We had to hunt her down and explain that being evil would cause her to go broke because "knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is crime, and crime doesn't pay". If this – god forbid – ever happens again, _you_ will be charged with cleaning up your own messes.

**Bickslow** – Do not convince anyone to having a staring contest with Evergreen _ever_ again. It's all fun and games until she takes off her glasses.

**Freed Justine** – You are not allowed to stalk Laxus. You are not allowed to take stalking lessons from Corona. I don't care how good she is, she's even crazier than you are. Leave Laxus alone (and stop attacking Bisca while screaming, "VENGEANCE FOR LAXUS-SAMA!).

**Eve Tearm** – Halloween and Christmas are two very different things. Stop dropping snow on people's heads while singing Halloween-styled Christmas Carols.

**Elfman Strauss** – Takeover: Beast Soul is indeed a viable costume option for Halloween. However, this will only be true so long as the costume is _appropriate_. If, say, one of your sisters (or Realight) decides to show up almost naked, no Takeover will ever be allowed for recreational use again.

**Wendy Marvell** – The default solution to your problems should not be 'burn everything', 'freeze everything', 'stab everything', 'punch everything', 'drench everything', 'break everything', 'drown everything', 'electrocute everything', or 'take off your shirt'. You spend far too much time with your guild mates.

**Pantherlily** – You may not close the Anima before everyone from Edolas returns home, no matter how much you want to stay with Mystogan. You're making Redfox jealous, and Edolas needs its king.

**Romeo Conbolt** – There will not be a "Loli Calendar". There is no _need_ for a Loli Calendar. If Chelia and Marvell don't know what you're doing with those pictures, they'll find out soon enough, and nobody wants to know what will happen then.

**Cosmos** – You are not to attempt to serenade _anyone_ by singing "God is a Girl", unless you wish to face the wrath of the Cult of Jackson.

**Mary Hughes** – "Go screw yourself" should not be taken literally.

**Hughes** – "Go screw yourself" should not be taken literally.

**Kyouka** – You are not, under any circumstances, allowed to fly completely naked through the streets of _anywhere_ singing, "Bupirupirupirupirupiru," and then using a sledgehammer to bludgeon some poor bystander to death. You may not do this while clothed, singing, or flying. In fact, stay out of Fiore. And take your crazy girlfriend with you!

**Rogue Cheney** – There is a fine line between genius and insanity. Getting two unrelated yet nearly identical girls to go out with you, at the same time, while aware of the other's involvement with you was the genius side of the line. Making out with both of them in front of their extremely dangerous potentially homicidal older sisters was the insanity side. Please have some concern for your personal wellbeing, because Lisanna and Yukino will not always be there to save you.

**Laxus Dreyar** – Stop assuming that everyone who speaks to you wants sex.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Chapter 4 has arrived! Although, knowing me, it won't be out for a couple weeks after this author's note is written. For those wondering when My Lawyer will be updated, I feel I should clarify something: Much like this story, My Lawyer is just something silly I do in my spare time. It doesn't really have a point. I update when inspiration hits me, so it's irregular. I have no intention of dropping that story or this one, but I can't force myself to write. Also, I'm going to have a couple rules for people who want to send suggestions. First, I'm not making harems a thing. Rogue got two girls, because I ship him with Yukino, and she looks like Lisanna. I don't plan to give him any more partners, nor do I plan to give anyone else multiple partners (although one-sided is fine). Basically, I don't want to portray Rogue as some sort of sexual deviant, because he isn't. I find that humor is a lot more, well, humorous, if the characters are in character (at least, most of the time). So, as hilarious as it could potentially be, no harem suggestions. Secondly, I don't want anything inappropriate. This fic is rated 'T', and the implications of Gajeel and Levy's relationship are as close to explicit as I intend to get. Third, I don't want to see **_**anything**_** that would require a trigger warning. Finally, I have a question: should Jellal remain a catboy, and if so, for how long?**

**All Members of the Church of Zenotopia** – The Cult of Jackson is just that: a cult. It should not in any way be making you feel threatened. This does not mean you should join. The fact that they aren't _technically_ your rivals does not mean you should form an alliance with them.

**All Takeover Mages** – Takeover Magic is a cheap, unimaginative, and boring way to acquire a Halloween costume.

**Whoever Encourage Macbeth to Dress as Maleficent** – Go die in a hole.

**Freed Justine** – While the motto, "My master, right or wrong" is truly admirable, if somewhat disturbing, not everything Laxus says – especially when he's drunk – is an order than must be carried out. Heartfilia would like her panties back, thank you.

**Mary Hughes** – As far as we know, sleeping with _yourself_ is not incest. It is, however, very creepy, and you shouldn't do it. Your children – should you, God forbid, actually have any – would have an even higher chance of getting diseases, seeing as the only difference in your DNA is a 'Y' chromosome. And, considering the way your counterpart acts, even that's debatable.

**Kamika** – There is such a thing as 'too much'. Stop stalking Mirajane. Nobody would argue that she is attractive, but she's not interested. She has already (loudly) proclaimed that the only people she would ever consider a lesbian relationship with are Heartfilia, Scarlet, Realight, and Laxus if he turned into a girl. She would also like you to know that she is not a lesbian.

**Macbeth** – Stop using your abilities to tie together people's shoelaces. It's very immature, and it isn't funny.

**Mickey Chickentiger** – Stop encouraging your fiancée to use his powers for less than appropriate purposes. He may be a partially reformed former criminal, but that is no excuse.

**Orga Nanagear** – While your enthusiasm is… admirable, your vocal talent – or, rather, lack thereof – is not. No more opera in the shower, please.

**Lisanna Strauss** – You and Yukino are not the same person. You aren't fooling anybody. Please stop trying to swap sisters at random intervals.

**Yukino Aguria** – You and Lisanna are not the same person. You aren't fooling anybody. Please stop trying to swap sisters at random intervals.

**Rogue Cheney** – Convincing your girlfriends to dress as _each other_ for Halloween is causing problems. Change their minds.

**Elfman Strauss** – Your sisters have blue eyes. The Aguria sisters have brown eyes, and, on top of that, Mirajane and Sorano look almost nothing alike. There is a slight similarity between Lisanna and Yukino, we'll admit, but nobody actually believes that you can't tell the difference. Also, you make a very manly Peter Pan.

**Evergreen** – Stop pretending to confuse Lisanna and Sorano just to annoy your boyfriend. They have absolutely nothing in common. No, you did not just "forget which one was Sorano and which one was Yukino". You knew damn well, and you aren't fooling anyone. Also, you make a very… sparkly Tinkerbell.

**Juvia Lockser** – We don't care that he 'looks like Gray-sama'. You are not a swimming pool, and that boy cannot swim inside you. We don't care how much he loves swimming. Tell him to go home. No, you may not go as a swimming pool for Halloween. That's just silly.

**Sherry Blendy** – Stop taking cues from Vastia. There is no need to start your own church just so you can have a religious war. Genocide is illegal no matter how much religion is behind it. Take down the shrine to that little brown furry thing, and let it go home already.

**Cosmos** – You are not a flower, so I don't see why you'd ask to be– Oh. Oh, _yuck_. Stop molesting people. Dressing up as a flower does not change anything. You are still not _actually_ a flower.

**Porylusica** – We were not aware that a Jellal Complex actually is a thing. We would announce this new condition to psychologists, but there don't seem to be any. Which is a shame, really, because they would make _a lot_ of money.

**Cana Alberona** – I don't care how much alcohol you could buy with the money, you are not allowed to be a psychologist. Not even if that's your Halloween costume.

**Bacchus Groh** – I don't care how much alcohol you could buy with the money, you are not allowed to be a psychologist. Not even if that's your Halloween costume.

**Loke** – You are not a woman. Thus, stay out of the girls changing room. No, you were not "considering a sex change". Dressing up as a girl does not change that.

**Sayla** – We're sorry for the loss of your girlfriend. However, you are not allowed to resurrect Vermillion in order to be with your _ex_-girlfriend. She is still a child, so unless you intend to de-age yourself– Well, there you go, then.

**Mavis Vermillion** – Congratulations on returning Zeira to the 'Light Side' (and on being alive again). It is your responsibility to keep her there. Also, you make a very adorable fairy.

**Levy McGarden** – Your new friend may now appear to be the age of a child, but you should remember that she is, in fact, a very powerful demon who happens to be over one hundred. She is also a lesbian, and, considering her first two girlfriends (a hyperactive genius obsessed with fairies and a manically homicidal demon with a torture fetish), you could be next. Please be wary, and be careful not to make Vermillion jealous. Also, your Juvia costume is quite realistic, though a bit odd.

**Sorano Aguria** – When I asked, "Why are all the girls lesbians", it was a rhetorical question. I did not need you to loudly scream – in my ear, no less – "EXCESS TESTOSTERONE!" and then cackle madly while everyone stared at you. Dressing up as a sumo wrestler was equally inappropriate.

**Lucy Heartfilia** – I left Sorano in _your_ care. Please remove her from my person. She is causing problems. Also, thank you for agreeing to take Marvell, Chelia, and Romeo Trick-or-Treating. It was very kind of you, and you make a very nice witch.

**Gajeel Redfox** – If you wish to open up a cheese shop, that's fine. However, as surprising as it may seem, a cheese shop sells cheese. You may not stand in the middle of your shop and flatly tell everyone who comes in that whatever cheese they want is not available. It's not funny. Not even if you dress up as Eric Idle.

**Richard Buchanan** – No, I will _not_ be paying you if you get Sorano off me. You, as a criminal attempting to reform, should do so out of the kindness of your heart. I thought you were over the whole 'money' thing.

**Lyon Vastia** – Stop trying to get Lockser to join your cult. The only thing she's going to be worshipping is Fullbuster (and possibly also that guy that keeps trying to use her as a pool). Also, as creative as your costume is, dressing as Elsa is not going to stop people from questioning your sexuality.

**Toby Horhorta** – Dumping a bucket of socks over Kurohebi's head was not "the socks getting vengeance for their deceased brethren". It was you, and he was perfectly justified in throwing his shoe at you. Especially since you seem to have decided to dress as a sock.

**Kurohebi** – Don't through shoes at people, especially people with footwear obsessions. You will never see those shoes again. Also, dressing as a Christmas tree just to annoy people was childish.

**Jellal Fernandes** – I'm actually getting a bit worried. Is that cat costume really permanent? Seriously, this has got to stop. Your adorableness is starting to give people _diabetes_. Also, it's nice that you're getting into the Halloween spirit, but it may not be the best idea to dress up as a Magical Girl while you're still a catboy.

**Erza Scarlet** – No, Fernandes has to change back. I don't care how cute he is. Surely you've realized you can't date a cat, right? And yes, Fernandes as a Magical Girl is disturbingly adorable. Sadly, this does not give you an excuse to dress up as Tuxedo Mask, especially since you're only doing it for an excuse to throw roses at people (word to the wise: rose means 'rose', not 'sharp pointy objects').

**Erza Knightwalker** – Stop encouraging Scarlet to "do things" with Fernandes while he is a catboy. That is technically bestiality, and therefore illegal. And no, you should not attempt to disguise yourself as Fernandes in hopes of "doing things" with Scarlet. Not even if that's your Halloween costume.

**Mirajane Strauss** – When your little sister kidnaps you and then pretends to be Yukino, you are not to go along with it and act like you're clueless. You should not attempt to get Sorano to help.

**Gray Fullbuster** – Fine. Whatever. She's Milkovich. Now _shut up_. Also, 'Lady Gaga' is not an appropriate costume, seeing as the only thing you're wearing – literally – is a wig. Public nudity is still illegal.

**Ultear Milkovich** – We have given up on convincing Fullbuster that you are not Milkovich. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. As soon as we've locked him away in an asylum, you can stop pretending to be Milkovich. Sorry.

**Yuka Suzuki** – Stop throwing snakes at Mr. Jackson. He is not going to perform a miracle out of sheer irritation. He may, however, cut you into pieces with his admittedly epic lightsaber. Dressing as Yoda will not protect you.

**Asuka Connell** – Zeref is not your teddy bear. He is not to be hugged, kissed, or snuggled. He's not going to be your "love doll". Do you even know what that means?

**Bisca Connell** – Zeref is not an appropriate babysitter for your child, no matter how much she likes him. That Annie Oakley costume looks very nice on you, by the way.

**Bickslow** – Just a head's up: Bisca knows you were the one who taught Asuka the words "love doll". I'd start running, if I were you. No amount of disguising yourself as a toilet will save you, even if it's for Halloween.

**Max Alors** – No, you cannot marry that broom. It's not even an animate object. You can, however, go as Mickey Mouse for Halloween, so long as the broom does not end up becoming Minnie Mouse.

**Warren Rocko** – Sticking up for your friend is nice, but you may not hold a protest supporting the marriage between human beings and inanimate objects.

**Zeref** – Stay away from the kids. Dressing as a teddy bear only makes it creepier.

**Igneel** – Acnologia was _lying_. Honestly, does Heartfilia _look_ like a dragon to you? No, she's not a Dragon Slayer. She cannot use 'Apocalypse Dragon Roar' or anything of the like. Stop following the poor girl around and pretending to be a tree whenever she looks at you. You aren't as subtle as you think you are.

**Millianna** – Stop lobbing stink bombs at Crime Sorciére. Only two of them ever did anything to you, and both have apologized. Throwing a hissy fit because the saner members of the guild refused to dress up as kitties is ridiculous. You and Fernandes are already kitties, and I'm sure Mikazuchi would agree to be one if asked.

**Kagura Mikazuchi** – You are not allowed to have a harem. And stop molesting Yukino; you already _have_ a girlfriend, you don't need another. Dressing up as "Big Pimpin'" does not automatically change this.

**Sting Eucliffe** – Orlando is – probably – not actually interested in having your babies. I don't even know if that's possible. Can demons and humans breed? Also, while your Natsu costume is impressive, the amount of – quite accurate – detail is a bit worrisome. Perhaps you should get a hobby.

**Minerva Orlando** – Stop giving Eucliffe false hope. He is almost certainly not getting laid. And I don't think he dates outside his species anyway, so you're out of luck. I don't think dressing up as Heartfilia will change this.

**Laxus Dreyar** – Yes, it's perfectly creepy that you're one of the four people Mirajane would be a lesbian for, especially since you're a guy. No, this should not encourage you in pursuing her as a romantic partner. No, this does not mean you should get a sex change. It simply means that everyone in your guild is insane. Also, dressing as a female version of yourself, while egotistical, is not _technically_ against the rules. I, however, still strongly discourage it.

**Sawyer** – Bringing up Lahar in front of me to see if I would break down crying was neither funny nor a good way to earn redemption. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need some alone time. Oh, and if you even _think_ about dressing as Lahar for Halloween, I will throw your ass in jail before you can say 'Trick-or-Treat'. That is, if I don't murder you first.

**Aquarius** – Stop giving people nicknames based off of obscure references. Loke is not 'Lio the Loin', Heartfilia is not 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds', Scarlet is not 'Stabby McStab-Stab', and Dragneel is not 'Amy Rose's Pubic Hair'. On a different note, your mermaid costume, while sparkly, is not all that creative, as you are already a mermaid.

**Risley Law** – There is no requirement for every guild to have a Dragon Slayer, and you are not allowed to just take one. Leave Marvell alone, because every single _other_ Dragon Slayer will come after you if you touch her. That's the guy who beat the shit out of Zero (with a little help from Fernandes), the guy who beat the shit out of _him_, the guy with a pint-sized girlfriend (and he's not afraid to use her), the guy with enough balls to blackmail the Magic Council, the guy whose counterpart from the future nearly killed us all, and the guy who somehow got a hot demon girlfriend despite probably being gay for the first guy. Do you want these guys against you?

**Hibiki Lates** – There is no 'Zipper Loophole'. Your pants are to stay on _and zipped_ at all times when you are in public, even _if_ you've decided to go as a 'giant wang' for Halloween (which is in no way appropriate, and that costume is not to be worn outside your home, on Halloween or any other day of the year).

**Eve Tearm** – Telling people that you have AIDS is not going to get them to leave you alone. They will just feel bad and want to hug you more. Remember the Rule of Fangirls: Question not the logic of fangirls, and simply be glad that they aren't of the yaoi variety.

**Araña Webb** – The Great Pumpkin does not have an army of spiders. There is no Great Pumpkin. You need not worry about being murdered. Stop squishing every spider you see while cackling maniacally.

**Jenny Realight** – Buying all of Zeref's balloons and then tying them to Marvell on the off chance that she would float up to that giant-chicken-boat-plane-thing of yours was not a good way to 'catch a Dragon Slayer', even if she _is_ the only one small enough for that to work. She'd like to come down now, please.

**Wendy Marvell** – We understand that you do not need balloons to fly. Blue Pegasus will be asked to get you down. You will still be able to go Trick-or-Treating with Chelia and Romeo. By the way, you make a very scary dragon.

**Chelia Blendy** – We understand that you are upset about Marvell's current… situation. She will get down soon. You will still be able to go Trick-or-Treating with her and Romeo. By the way, you make a very handsome prince.

**Romeo Conbolt** – We understand that you are upset about Marvell's current… situation. She will get down soon. You will still be able to go Trick-or-Treating with her and Chelia. By the way, you make a very cute princess.

**Natsu Dragneel** – The fact that Marvell is dressed as a dragon, Chelia is dressed as a prince, and Romeo is a princess does not mean it's true love. Stereotypically, the dragon kidnaps the princess, who is subsequently saved by the prince. They do not have a threesome, and there was no need for you to go searching for a prince "just in case" Heartfilia required a third party.

**Ren Akatsuki** – Your costume was very well put together, and I'm sure Mr. Jackson appreciates the effort and dedication put into your rendition of him. However, please stop swearing, especially around children.

**Hisui E. Fiore** – You make an excellent Shion. Please don't start killing people.

**Makarov Dreyar** – Dressing as Acnologia, while hilarious, was probably not appreciated by said dragon. Telling Heartfilia that _you_ – dressed as aforementioned dragon – are her father was unappreciated by _her_. She, like so many others, has daddy issues, and you and Acnologia aren't helping.

**Acnologia** – You are not Heartfilia's father. Stop telling people otherwise.

**Erik** – Your bat costume is more than a bit silly, and it will not enable you to fly.

**Kinana** – Turning into your snake form is not a creative Halloween costume.

**AN: Happy Halloween, everybody! Tell me what your costumes are. Whoever has the best (i.e., the most creative, the funniest, the one I like best, etc.) gets a one shot for any character(s), pairing(s), or fandoms (obviously, a fandom I know)! If you want a list of my fandoms, there is literally one on my profile. All I ask is that you not make me write ShuRan, SasuSaku, NejiTen, RoyEd, or SebaCiel. Pretty much anything else is fine.**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: The winner of the contest will be announced at the end of this particular update. Since I also posted the contest of my **_**Durarara**_** fanfic, which will be updated on Friday, I'll try to have this posted by then as well. Currently, however, it is Monday, and only three people have entered the contest, although one of them entered for multiple people. Currently, Katy Perry, who went as a cheeto, is winning. Yes, really. Oh, and for anybody wondering about the pairings I have planned for this story: Everybody/Everybody Else. That's all I'm saying.**

**P.S. I was a Pikachu.**

**Everybody Who Was Present During Halloween** – Nothing ever happened.

**All Members of Team Mega-Death** – You are not Legion.

**All Members of Blue Pegasus** – Your popularity will _not_ rise if you all get naked.

**All Members of Crime Sorciére** – It is your responsibility to ensure that your guild master knows how to use Transformation Magic. This is absurd.

**Macbeth** – As nice as it is to see people getting into the Halloween spirit, Halloween is over. Stop creating hallucinations of singing skulls. You do not have "friends on the other side".

**Lucy Heartfilia** – If you have any control over your Edolas counterpart, exercise it now. This is getting ridiculous.

**Lucy Ashley** – Halloween is _over_. Take off that Major Armstrong cosplay. The "art of beating the shit out of people" has not been "passed down through the Ashley family for generations". Also, go home.

**Zeref** – Asuka Connell is not a god. She is a six-year-old without any authority over you. She is not old enough to know better. Take off the bikini, and return it to its rightful owner before said rightful owner kills you even deader than Tartarus was going to.

**Jenny Realight** – Stop stalking Zeref. He'll probably return your bikini soon.

**Mirajane Strauss** – Stop taking pictures of Zeref in Realight's bikini. I don't care how adorable he is.

**Jellal Fernandes** – Okay, seriously, being a catboy cannot _possibly_ be that fun. I don't care what Scarlet says; there's no way you can be enjoying this as much as you seem to be. If you're stuck as a catboy, use Transformation Magic to cover it up in public. You seem to know pretty much every type of magic anyway, so I'm sure you can handle it.

**Ultear Milkovich** – What do you mean, "he sucks at Transformation"? He's one of the strongest mages _ever_. Seriously? How can someone who's so good at pretty much _everything_ be as terrible as you say he is with something so basic?

**Erik** – Stop singing that song. You are not Severus Snape, and there is not a 'mysterious ticking noise'.

**Lisanna Strauss** – No, you may _not_ build a statue of Mr. Jackson in the middle of the stadium we used for the Grand Magic Games. We use that stadium for other things too, and Mr. Jackson does not need a statue anyway. He needs to go home. He is not a god, and he will not be acknowledged as one.

**Lyon Vastia** – I don't care how much of a "bishie" you are; you cannot join the Depraved Coalition of Snowy-Haired Bonny Striplings.

**Meredy** – Just because Lockser is obsessed with Fullbuster, it does not mean that you must be obsessed with Vastia. Leave him alone.

**Rogue Cheney** – Stop singing that song. You are not Harry Potter, and there is not a 'mysterious ticking noise'.

**Kinana** – The proper way to tell your guild master that you want a vacation is to politely request some time off. You should not have, under any circumstances, attempted to let him know through interpretive dance.

**Bacchus Groh** – I understand that you have never been in a state of sobriety for more than eight minutes at best. I also understand that you are a pervert. However, none of that constitutes attempting to remove Alberona's liver because "she probably doesn't even use it any more". I don't care who started it. Stop stealing each other's organs.

**Cana Alberona** – When Groh gets drunk and attempts to steal your liver, the proper response is not to "reach in and grab as many kidneys as possible". He doesn't have as many kidneys as you seem to think he does. I don't care who started it. Stop stealing each other's organs.

**Zeira** – You are on house arrest. More likely than not, you will _stay_ on house arrest for quite some time. Your guild _blew up the Magic Council_!

**Mavis Vermillion** – No, I am not blaming your girlfriend for Lahar's death, nor am I taking out all my anger on her because she's the last surviving member of Tartarus. I am trying to protect people with a violently sociopathic demon!

**Natsu Dragneel** – If you're on a boat and feeling sick, then you should get off the boat. You should not attempt to barf all over the Prime Meridian.

**Juvia Lockser** – The fact that anything with a sex drive seems to be attracted to Heartfilia does not make her a succubus. She is even less thrilled with the amount of attention she gets than you are.

**Laxus Dreyar** – You are not allowed to open a portal to another dimension in hopes of finding a female version of yourself ever again. Send that poor girl home, and we'll forget this ever happened.

**Hughes** – No, you cannot marry yourself unless you intend to take her back to Edolas with you. Besides, if you marry her, won't your name be 'Hughes Hughes'?

**Mary Hughes** – No, you cannot marry yourself unless he intends to take you back to Edolas with him. And no, I don't believe that his first name is 'Maes'.

**Evergreen** – Stop singing that song. You are not Hermione Granger, and there is no 'mysterious ticking noise'.

**Jellal Faust** – Take all of your subjects and _leave_. I am getting sick of explaining why Surge is wearing clothes because people keep confusing him with Fullbuster.

**Gray Surge** – I never thought I'd say this, but _please_ take some clothes off. This is absurd.

**Flare Corona** – Stop molesting Heartfilia and Ashley.

**Asuka Connell** – Despite what Zeref seems to believe, you are not a god. This is a fact, and this fact will never change, no matter how many times Acnologia sees you and flees in terror.

**Bisca Connell** – While I'm glad your daughter has found her magical niche, her 'Takeover: Mythos Soul' is scaring the crap out of everyone. She is only allowed to turn into Cthulu if it's _absolutely necessary_.

**Alzack Connell** – Your daughter stepped on a town. _Thousands of people have died_. You should not be _proud_ of this!

**Makarov Dreyar** – I am aware that you view all the members of your guild as your children. However, "that's my girl" was not the appropriate response to the entirety of a town being wiped off the map. Asuka is not going to become the next Gildarts.

**Gildarts Clive** – No, you may not take that girl under your wing. She's crazy enough already without your influence; I'd hate to see how much worse it could get.

**Freed Justine** – Asuka is not trying to "usurp Laxus-sama". Calm down.

**Bickslow** – Quit whining about low pay in your guild. If terrorizing innocents isn't paying enough, get a better (and, hopefully, less traumatizing for the people around you) job.

**Hisui E. Fiore** – Why, oh why, must you insist upon hanging around the idiots in Fairy Tail? You used to be so _sane_. Sigh. Anyway, you are not a llama. This is true even if you learn Takeover: Llama Soul (which isn't actually a thing, by the way). I'd also like to inform you that, even if you _were_ a llama, killing a man and eating his hands would still be illegal, no matter how many hats you have on. Stop biting.

**Toma E. Fiore** – No, you cannot change your name to 'Jack', and even if you did we would not call you the 'Pumpkin King'. Halloween is _over_.

**Erza Knightwalker** – Your Halloween costume was very… creative, but you need to take it off. I'm eighty-seven percent sure McGarden and Redfox were not expecting you to show up halfway through their 'alone time' decked in tight black leather and wielding a riding crop. Please stop molesting people. You could get AIDS.

**Macao Conbolt** – Seriously, where did you go? Your son hasn't seen you in ages. It's like you've been abducted by a Vulcan again. Your son says he hasn't seen you in three days (he also wants some Coca-Cola, and it better not be Coke Zero again, you cheap bastard).

**Romeo Conbolt** – Only I am allowed to write on this. Find your own way of nonverbal communication.

**Wendy Marvell** – Stop staring at people and smiling. It was adorable at first, but you're starting to scare people. Maybe it's the haircut. Regardless, put down the hatchet and stop abducting people. I don't care how cute they are; you can't take them home with you.

**Wakaba Mine** – Stop blowing smoke rings in people's faces. You aren't Gandalf.

**Sorano Aguria** – Stop singing perverted songs whenever anyone walks into a room that you're in. That means 'Hot in Herre' for Fullbuster and Vastia, 'My Humps' for Heartfilia, 'Right Round' for Mirajane, or anything else your twisted mind comes up with. Also, I am not your "Sugar Daddy".

**Richard Buchanan** – You made a very sparkly duck on Halloween. However, Halloween is now over. Take your costume off.

**Chelia Blendy** – "Let's get naked" is not the proper response to _anything_, especially not when someone asks you what 8749√306.5i3.8 is.

**Gray Fullbuster** – Stop claiming that everyone in your guild is some sort of mythical creature. Dragneel, Redfox, Marvell, and Laxus may have dragon-like characteristics, but they are not dragons. Heartfilia may have gained the attention of every male (and female) who swings that way, but she is not a succubus. Evergreen may enjoy turning people to stone, but she is not Medusa. Her reaction to you calling her this was entirely justified.

**Sherry Blendy** – Your fiancée is a host, albeit a magical one. His job is to flirt with girls. You knew this before you agreed to marry him. Stop bitch-slapping everyone who looks at him "funny".

**Warrod Sequen** – "What's up" is a traditional greeting. The asker expects you to say either "not much" or "the sky". Waggling your eyebrows suggestively and saying, "guess," is not acceptable, especially seeing as you are a tree.

**Minerva Orlando** – Yes, Makarov uses Titan Magic. This is not an excuse to try and stab him in the back of the neck.

**Wally Buchanan** – You are not a Tetris block. You are also not – and I don't care how similar it sounds – a tetanus shot.

**Gemini** – Stop turning into Heartfilia, throwing yourself on Eucliffe, and calling him "Blondie Bear". You aren't fooling anyone, and you're making Orlando jealous.

**Sting Eucliffe** – That was not Heartfilia. That was Gemini. This should have been readily apparent to you, since she was buck nude and saying things that the real Heartfilia would faint upon hearing.

**Araña Webb** – Dying your hair purple and speaking in a French accent in no way makes you a Pokémon Master.

**Hibiki Lates** – Your surname is spelled with one 't', not two. You are not any form of caffeine, and a ridiculous surname will not change that.

**Eve Tearm** – Akatsuki is not 'abandoning the way of the boobies'. He is getting married. This is a good thing. You should be happy.

**Levy McGarden** – Yes, Makarov uses Titan Magic. However, your name is pronounced "leh-vee", not "lee-vi", and your surname is McGarden. You are not allowed to send squads of 'soldier' to attempt to stab your guild master in the back of the neck.

**Gajeel Redfox** – Stop doing everything your girlfriend tells you to do. She is arguably more insane than you are, and is _not_ a good role model.

**AN: And now the winners shall be announced! Okay, so only a few people entered, but I'm glad they did! There were very interesting costume ideas, and a couple people also suggested things for my story! But before I give you the winner, have some runner-ups!**

**In 5****th**** place is **Guest** as Erza Scarlet!**

**In 4****th**** place is **Dark Meow Meow Kitten of Doom's Friend** as Marco Bodt from Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin!**

**In 3****rd**** place is Katy Perry as a cheeto!**

**In 2****nd**** place is **Dark Meow Meow Kitten of Doom** as Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist!**

**Drum roll please…**

**And 1****st**** place goes to **Naturesshadows**, who went as a Monkey Mermaid Vampire Pineapple Ninja. Not even kidding. Congratulations, **Naturesshadows**! You get a free one-shot! You pick the fandom, the characters, the genre(s), and the theme, and I write it (or, well, try to do so). For everyone else who entered, thanks for playing!**

**Lastly, I decided to do a Thanksgiving contest! Tell me the weirdest thing that's ever happened to you or around you during a Thanksgiving dinner, and you get– ok, the prize is the same, but you get a free one-shot anyway. Remember: Honesty is good, but creativity is better (and it's not like I can verify what you say anyhow). Just don't make it too absurd.**


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